tanktop

My hangover has been dragging me down all day. Hangover from drinks, from a sleepless night, from fights, from euphoria of accomplishments, and from unexpected intimate encounters… Looking back, my emotional experience from all is still intact in the back of my head, in the bottom of my impaired heart.. Neither has my attempt to sleep nor eat nor stare blindly at the TV lead to any success.. I’m just still lying here.. jaded.

I realize that I have overrated - and undermined at the same time - one night that was supposed to be the most memorable night in my MBA. And I remember the moments when I felt like I just wanna sink under the surface of the earth and undo everything. Rewind. Back to the crossroads when I could have made better decisions. If I knew one simple thing could have caused so much damage to one genuine relationship I would have avoided it and stay as far away. If only I could..

And for it to happen just right before a moment that I counted on most support from my beloved ones.

ok, this green guy has to stop flirting w me.. or what ever he’s doing.. coz he’s giving me some nerves.. good nerves, ofcourse.. but still..
Had a warm chat my old lust.. and perhaps he’s still a present lust.. coz I realize I still feel that connection w him… perhaps he still feels the same.. but I guess he’s just trying to redefine our boundaries after all the bitter he made me go through.. friendship is always better, isn’t it? especially w a guy who hasn’t been able to make up his mind..
Had dinner w my.. i don’t know what to call him.. and he is.. demanding as usual..I fall w someone who expects me to serve him all the time.. although I don’t mind pampering the people I care for.. I think there’s a fine line between devotion and  slavery… there is still that tiny bit of hope that I unconsiously  carry  w me.. but seeing him with his infamous ignorance and ‘harsh’ manners.. I just.. well, it’s only logical to not take it anymore.. and my best friend commented w "why did you even invite him for dinner?" why.. I guess.. partially coz I miss spending time w him.. partially bc I guess I wanted to see if there’s still something there..
perhaps it’s not there anymore.. hmm… seriously, I don’t know what we are any more..
I feel kind of scattered with scattered pieces of my heart spread in the unique encounters with men whom I thought would shed some hope.. for a sensible future..
And why.. again, these encounters led me to nothing but mere playfulness and eventually bitterness..
I was thinking of these words.. when I found that surprising remark from the green guy.. and he said it once before.. so I’m like.. what are you trying pull here, man..
and suddenly my hope rose.. probably it wasn’t even hope.. Perhaps it was just a spark.. to lighten up my day.. It doesn’t hurt to have some one you don’t even know well going on and on about good qualities about your self when ur just about to break down for the zillionth time… and perhaps it doesn’t hurt to think that maybe.. just maybe.. there is yet another hope…
Only God knows best..

With so many discussions going on about sustainability, and being involved my own in some classes, seminars and case competitions about sustainability, I can’t help but write at least a blurb about this new so called "awakening". Yes, GREEN is becoming a new hype. We’ve heard about climate change, we know that icebergs are melting somewhere in the arctic, and that Jakarta is becoming hotter than ever, but only recently that it became something "cool" to talk about. The fact that business schools are embracing this concept by opening their own sustainability department makes it more of a significant matter on the table. So does emergence of NGOs like MBA without Borders and consulting companies like Deloitte and PwC establishing their own Sustainability practice. How cool is that?

But really, how much do we know about climate change and the extent of its urgency? I remember last nite’s Mgmt of Change class discussion about terms and gimmicks gave such a different meaning to the issue of climate change. The word "sustainability" gives an impression of a nice to have, it’s noble when you do it, give you an edge - not necessarily a lead -  in the competition kinda of term rather than a sense of urgency. Being green is becoming more of a trend rather than a necessity, which is good in some respects, but really does it make us be more environmental conscious citizens of the world?

I really have no extensive knowledge about this to make an opinion. But I really want to make people more engaged and in-tune with this whole environmental concern. My awesome friends who were obviously way ahead in the game when it comes to understanding this issue have devoted blogs that solely discuss about this whole topic which I find quite fascinating. see this one: http://blog.integr8tif.com/ You’ll find that the author is so passionate about this issue, even his wedding has to be green

Anyways, my day has been wasted by browsing on the net.. better get back to my studies…

OK, so I just checked pics of an Indonesian friend of mine.. well not friend, really.. acquiantance and I was just stunned by the impression he made in his late photos.. Apparently he was very fond of - let me say - his peer male friends. No wonder: the cap, the over rated sense of style, and the hawaian skirt. That explains a lot. Not that I have anything against, you know, gay people. It’s just that I’ve never imagined him being, u know, gay. I just thought he had a weird sense of fashion. Ok, I just spilled my coffee as I’m typing these words. That means, probably, I shouldn’t put him on the spot so much. But I just can’t help being stunned. He had so much to offer as a guy in a traditional sense. And yet,.. hmm.. and you know what, he’s quite a cassanova in that niche, apparently. Pretty impressive, ey?

I don’t know. The world is becoming to crazy. I just think, that men and women should be together, build a family and have monogamous relationship at the same time. I should emphasize that point. Although I’m becoming more casual with the idea of parallel relationships.. but that is to me, valid, only prior to marriage. And the Quran may say a different thing, but that’s only under severe circumstances, right? Anyway,  I’m just… I’m still shocked right now. So it’s true. All the good guys… they’re either taken,.. or they’re gay.

These are the sweetest times, 5 weeks away from finishing your so called MBA experience. Wrapping up things and tightening loose ends…  going through the motions and realizing that you’ve come a long way. I certainly have.

As I went through one presentation after another, finalizing my first and last workshop, organizing my last ever case competition, I become aware that this, will past. From being a timid international student who’s unsure of the future, and juggling about various pitfalls.. to a, well, some one who I’m comfortable with yet still facing if not the same, even more challenges. And who could ever guess, that just a few weeks away from the end of all this that I would finally get involved with whom I consider, the lust of my life, the guy of my dreams.. Btw, they are 2 different people :p The lust is becoming old story. Yet he did made me realize that no matter what I still want to hold on to my core values. He took me through exciting journeys, sleepless escapes.. and most of all, made me felt like I was the most desirable woman on earth. OK, stop fantasizing now :p Bottomline, he made me feel special. I was his unforbidden fruit, or so he said, when life at times disfavor him. I was his source of comfort. What ever that means to him.
The other guy, was pretty recent. OK, I met him just yesterday if that makes the story even juicier. A Canadian born hard core catholic Irish hunkie who confessed that St Patrick’s Day meant more to him than just a day of bottles of beer and happy hours as the rest of the Canadian would perceive. We both apparently were granted the same recognition by the student council a few months back and at that time I didn’t even knew who this dude really was other than he was the president of some club and captain of.. OK, I’m revealing to much detail here.

We met yesterday and we actually started on the wrong foot, coz initially I thought he was as cold as ice and uptight. But later in the evening, we somehow built a connection as I disregarded what ever uneasiness he initially left on me and that I guess opened him up to probing on questions about myself that made us resonate with each other. And all the while, the rest of the people in the room were busy discussing the business case, and contemplating on how superficial the teams’ solutions were. Each time I notified him of the time, was like moments of sparks. I somehow sensed there were something more beyond our similar passion for the industry. This my blog author side talking trying to dramatize the scene a bit, well, a lot :p He was very charming and being very touchy at the same time, which made me go in side my head, "Come on, how am I supposed to resist all this?" I guess he realizes he has that effect on women but didn’t seem to care infact it seems he was very comfortable about it. A win-win situation indeed as I took the pleasure of his company and his subtle flirtatious gestures. I was being very cool at first but after some time, I just couldn’t take it anymore and became nervous around him. The fact that he emailed the next day telling me he would endorse me for a career opportunity and acknowledge nice things about me made it even worse. Lord, this guy is too sweet. But again a win-win situation. Who would reject a support for a career opportunity, especially coming from a cute guy like him. He got me wired all day that even when he was making a joke later in the afternoon today, I didn’t really get it :p So again, another evening with him, and the rest of the case comp crew, teams and judges. And again, I felt it was just me and him and the rest didn’t matter. So when we were in the reception and he was standing by himself, I couldn’t resist to ask him for a picture together. And thanks to  my playful yet shameless personality combined with his again, superior charm and wit, we made another picture where he sat next to me standing to gave the photo impression that we had equal heights. Again, very sweet. Full mark for being a true gentleman and a cassanova at the same time.

I savoured every moment with him as his wedding, ladies and gentlemen, is just a few months away. Tough luck. It’s all good. Who needs forever when you have seconds after seconds. When you can embrace this moment. Right now.

So when this recruiter came up to me and asked where and when I’m coming to Canada.. which awkwardly reminded me of the time when a guest speaker at a networking reception approached me for a date, my concentration was all over the place. This write-up may make it appear like I’m crazy for this Irish guy or something. But really, it’s just my Gemini soul talking. I don’t have any intentions of owning him, although meeting him made me realize that there are perfect guys out there, and they are the ones I want to spend my life with. Never had I met such a perfect gentleman. A prince charming. His biggest flaw was that he was taken and had such a significantly different belief. His biggest mistake was being ever so charming with a love sucker like me :p This time, however, I fully forgive him

Oh, what a power week with all these crazy scenes happening and so much responsibility! I was content as all the things I did for school seemed to make a positive impact to the people I worked with. Although I never intended it to be that way. I should only be grateful I have a media to channel of my passion for structure and building connections with people. I have nothing to complain, as it opened up so many doors for me and best of all, connected me with so many wonderful people, and I’m not just talking about cute guys.

I felt like a phase of my life is about to be over.. which hopefully would be followed by a more fruitful journey. One could only hope and imagine…

Chilling out in my room, warm under my mom’s sweater and peony scented candle.. this is where I wanna be.. when nothing else in the world seems to make sense.. pondering over the last few days when the test of genuine friendship seemed to fail.. or when an innocent invitation from a warm familiar person to a movie leaves me with a dilemma.. I later brushed all away and chose to lay back in my best state of mind.. serenity..

There’s no better person to entertain you but yourself.. neither is the most genuine of all.. at least I know now on which side of the field I should remain. There are a lot of people that could dissapoint you but if you have a few handful that would stick with you till the end.. that is more than enough. I now realize more who those handful of people are.. and grateful for that..

There is much more important things in life to invest your time and energy.. and this fight is certainly not one of them. I regret but then some fights are worth your dignity.. some innocent invitations may not necessarily remain innocent.. and some invitations just never come..

I still deeply cherish my little world of hope.. that has long failed to enlight me.. and maybe some day I would leave that little world for good.. but for now.. I will care for and hold to it dearly.. till fate determines otherwise..

…phase 4 is coming! Gone are the days crazy inconsiderate group mates, crazy debates and endless terror from our infamous chair.. I made it sound so bad, but really.. it IS that bad ;p

I’m trying to spend more time with my self. After weeks of horror and months of reliving past traumas.. I’ve decided to give myself a break and just chill.. I haven’t even thought about my hair, skin.. or any new friends around the corner.. I’ve realized I’ve not even made much new friends over the last year.. I’ve been pretty much "enjoying" my misery.. well whose to blame, but myself.. crazy people that will upset you will always be around.. as well as self centric guys that care for nothing but their ego.. I feel that I’ve been exhausted for all the wrong things..

A spark of hope came, when BP, a prof at school offered me an opportunity to help her with a conference.. better yet, a Non Profit conference.. a passion of mine I’ve never had the chance to live up to. Probably this will lead to something good..

A conversation with a close friend a few days ago reminded me that time lost will never be recovered.. He also reminded me that there do exist sensible guys out there that will treat you rite. I’ve actually for the first time appreciated his dept of thought, sense of wisdom and wit.. for a few seconds I thought.. would sparks fly between us. Who knows.. A glimpse of the future emerges at the back of my mind..
But again.. who know..  I thought of P and wondered how we’ve ever reached this point. Everything was so different in the beginning. Wondered where I did wrong. I’ve also thought of many girls passing by that seems to live care free and look forward to the future and feel that no one is better but themselves. He’s still the dearest person in my heart.. but what’s the point if I’m not happy.. forget the complications.. and the dark trauma.. damn… he was such a different person when I first met him.. how could I have been so easily misled..

And now I have a totally different version of security.. my traditional vision of a picture perfect future has somewhat been improvised.. I still believe a partner in life is critical.. but a marriage.. hmm.. is it really that important anymore.. I don’t believe so.. maybe I’ll change my mind later.. but for now.. I don’t see it being a necessary component of my life.. not anymore..

I still hope P will fully come back to his senses.. but as one anonymous writer once wrote.. if he doesn’t come back to his senses.. then I better do.. the sooner the better..

I wanna spend more time with my girl friends.. and hopefully get the career of my dreams.. for now it seems kinda blurry.. even with the graduation just a few months apart..

We’ll see.. I wanna get some sleep..

of sensibility in any of life’s pitfalls.. I can’t help but wonder whether there remains any benchmark of how things should be..

Looking for normalcy in a world that never seems to be.. once I knew there exist a castle in a kingdom than even though were not always at peace.. it always functions.. now I wonder whether such a kingdom was ever real.. such a fairy tale I foolishly believed..

And now.. in my own venture, still I can’t trace any sensibility.. I wish life could be much simpler..

It has indeed been a restless few months. Running around meeting recruiters, engaging with people, meetings, coordinating with people, organizing, scheduling, trouble shooting, and finding solutions in extraodinary circumstances, not to mention baring the uncomfort of people who just can’t do you justice. I’m talking about job search and my noble task of making the school a better place by organizing case comps Yes, it’s been busy. Almost forgot I got classes to attend and assignments to deliver. But I guess this is just part of the whole experience.

The climax was this Saturday when we hosted the external case comp sponsored by T**. Had been running around in the background with getting approvals and arranging logistics - frustrated with the whole complexity of getting things done in the wonderful world of uncertainty and unexpected surprises -  and now it’s time for the show. It’s great I have Ara as my right hand, and my lovely volunteers to get things executed on the day. Got up at 5:30 am in the morning and wondered why oh why did we schedule the event so early. Got to school an hr later setting up the place running back and forth to the catering. The sky was dark and for the first time I saw people cleaning up the school building. I guess this is the other part of the day at school I’ve never quite acknowledged nor appreciated.

Shortly our teams came but breakfast was not ready. We arranged to have breakfast delivered to their b/o rooms eventually while they were doing the case. Done. Finally the S, C and the others arrived and things are finally coming together, not to mention the key person from the company I’ve been communicating back and forth via email. Time to put a ceremonial role and chat with people. Shortly after teams from other schools and judges came one after another. My volunteers started their duty, just as we planned. And finally.. the presentations, one of the judges came late.. just bc we didnt update him with the latest changed schedule. Darn, but the show must go on. AJ was there, so he handled the interface role. Our teams did great, but you know never know what the judges would think. S was doing an excellent job as an MC. Finally it was time for the reception. Went to the catering and clarified some arrangements. Done. Everyone came to the bar and mingled while the judges deliberate. Just as we planned. Some time in the session I felt someone was hugging me from behind. Our lovely faculty member. I’m glad he felt I did well on the event. Kept telling me how great the whole thing turned out.

2 o clock we opened the dining room. Time for the final show. This company person seemed to be kinda confused with the order but we finally got it resolved. And now.. announcements. Our school planted great hope for our teams, I could feel the confidence. 3rd place.. strike one. 2nd place.. almost.. but hell, strike two.. and finally.. what?? not even one place? AJ was assigned to hand the cup and everyone from the school were silent as rock, faces filled with astonishment. Beyond comprehension. But we had to be sports and came to the winners and congratulated them. I could see our teams full of dissapointment. I caught AJ for a few seconds and we exchanged puzzled looks> he was as lost as everyone else, well except for the winners. Hmm.. so I guess we weren’t meant to be the winner. I just lost my host mood and felt my body surged with exhaustion. One of my volunteers commented how tired I look. I was just stunned. Stunned. Stunned. Sat in the corner while I ate the mexican dish would would otherwise tasted delicious if my mood was cooperating w me. Exchanged comments with my volunteers who didn’t seem quite as surprised. C approached me and expressed his gratitude for the event organizing but I couldn’t help his look of dissapointment bc of another fact. What to say? It’s done. Delivered. Ppl keep telling regardless of the winners outcome the event was great. But I know we had a different sentimental tune. I tried to chat and mingled with students from other schools. Can’t help feeling my mind was somewhere else. Where did things go wrong? I know there’s gonna be a buzz this monday as the school would quickly find out what came out.

Maybe we need to follow a different strategy. Maybe we were over confident. And maybe.. sometimes, shit just happened. But there definitely has to be some explanation. Judges feedback will follow soon. Wonder what they would say about our teams. Felt like my hardwork didn’t quite payoff. Although to think of it, they have no correlation what so ever. But it would have felt great if our teams had won, at least one of them. All this hosting just for another team to win. But hmm, you never know what’s the silver lining.

But I’m glad it’s all over. Well there are still things to be done. But one great deed is delivered. At least after this I could relax a bit and continue with my job hunt and school chores. And when I say school, I mean related to classes. Ofcourse there are more case comps to come, but at least the major one is done. Spent the whole day in bed, literally in bed. So exhausted.

Midterms are coming, so better tune back to my courses. Too much excitement for the past few weeks. Time to tone down. Can’t wait to meet SS tomorrow and exchange thoughts on this. But most of all, can’t wait for an ordinary life as a student who worry just on classes. Hopefully that’s the case..

Listening to some jazz.. that always helps. Until another day of crazy case comp organizing ;p later…

It helps to know that everyone of us has their own story to tell and those stories are rarely smooth sailing drama that leads to a happy ending. My story with him continue to unfold as a pseudo affair that may not even substantiate even with him giving up his commitment. At least, that’s what I believe. But the more I spend time with him, the more I feel connected and comforted and the more I rely on the security of having him beside me for always. Last nite, we had another late rendezvous walking in the part of campus I’ve never once thought of exploring. And it was beautiful. The landscape of the campus from 100 m away. Makes you feel detached from the rest of the world. Sharing stories and memories that are priceless. Looking up at the stars, lying on the damp grass - which made me ended up catching a fever the following day. It was peaceful. To be with him and share moments of conversation without the intensity of physical flirting or any sort that usually creates tension and dilemma. Just 2 people sharing a warm conversation in the mute area of campus. As simple as that. We ended up having his car parked in front of my apt building listening to songs on the radio and singing along with it and goofing around with silly jokes.

He was intelligent, compassionate and a sight for sore eyes. I wish there were more guys like that in this world, so that I don’t have to share them with anyone else. That night, he was peaceful, unlike any other nights or afternoon I have spent with him. He seems to know where he wants to go in life, if not vaugely. You can feel a strong aura from his mere presence. I sat there, weak, unsure of myself and dilemmatic, not to mention holding back the urge to reach out to him. He hugged me and there were moments where we almost want to forget about everything else and just be. But my conscience was a hard as a steel and I could only hold back. He was special. Although he wasn’t mine. I guess I could only cherish these moments in my memories.. since it will not last.. Au revoir, beautiful one.. perhaps one day our roads will cross again..